Over the last few months but just as acutely if not more so, the last few weeks I've been feeling pretty blahh... It comes from a lot of things, many are the same things everyone else faces and goes though, feelings that come and go and go and come and pile up and blow off in an endless turn that every living person deals with. I don't generally post much about how I'm sad today, happy Tuesday, ecstatic Thursday and crying in my Wheaties Saturday. Everyone here knows what it's like to work, to study, to roll through a week or two or three of mind numbing doldrums or back breaking work or some key mixture of both as we face our jobs, our responsibilities , etc, etc.
I don't post much to say much good or bad, in fact I'm terrible at 'blogging' in the littlest bit. I forget to document well enough on projects to share with others. When I'm enjoying myself I'm quite happily involved with that and when I'm working or not having a good day or anything else, I'm generally pretty well trenched in there too.
I'm equally bad these days about contacting friends, I think this gets said alot, both by me and by others on here and many other public places for a few reasons. The first is that it's true and since we're sharing, might as well share that too. The second is because we assume, hope, know? that some or many of our friends might see our post and feel a little better knowing that so-and-so doesn't mean to be antisocial, so-and-so is just busy or falls into the same trap that we do, living life keenly involved in the day-to-day and sometimes having to remind themselves to break out of it and say hello to their friends.
That being the case here as well, I very much wish I was better at keeping touch with friends and family. I wish I could visit more often and for longer. If not that then maybe phone calls or emails or texts. If not that then true written letters as any from our parents and grandparents to as far back as one sent scroll from their hand to another's some great distance away.
Wishing doesn't really make a thing happen most often and what will is the day I take pen, a computer, a phone, a car trip and make something happen. As will a vast number of improvements and adventures in life happen if I just DO something to make it happen... But here by long and convoluted loop I get back to my opening, that of late I have felt poopie inside and seem to be having trouble making any shit happen... OR, at least feeling like that shit is and will happen in it's own time if I keep at it.
Most of this feeling is related to my gender-related changes... I am on a very fine edge of sending my parents a letter to come out to them about it all and while that shore tare me up inside, it really hasn't yet... Stressed me out, yes. But I have mostly worked through my feeling bad about telling them, now I simply hope that when I tell them, they will deal with it in an positive-enough manner and if not... well, I suppose I can be devastated then. But so long as we're all alive and kicking there is hope and so I don't worry too much about that.
All of that said, I am having trouble actually SENDING the letter and while yes, I could tell them over the phone or in person (Best choice) - I can't bring myself to... I am having the same problem at work, I would 'like' to tell the boss (Like I'd ask for a hole in the head) but when is there ever a good time to say something like this?
Tied up in all of this is a bit of legality involving my real name, changing a few letters around I'm really just keeping my name but making it fit better... Of course, when I change it Work has to know and there is the 'telling the boss' part of this... My parents wouldn't know and the IRS/Birth Certificate, DMV, etc, etc people wouldn't know or care the difference in my name if it were Beelzabub or Alice. But the workplace of course will have to know about the name change and then it's time to out myself to all and sundry and hope that things either go okay... Or I don't know what.
This compounds with issues I already have with work... I'm smarter and a harder worker and worth more than they pay me. Not to sound arrogant but rather self-assured. I'm better than 'minimum wage' middle management retail hell... But that's where I work and I don't know how to get out of it, make more money and find something, anything I'm happier doing. Something that, if it doesn't make a difference to the world or to anyone else, at least makes enough impact on me to keep me engaged and happy as well as paid reasonably enough.
So I'm frustrated with the gut wrenching unknown of outing myself to family and 'profession' and also frustrated in general with my occupation and compensation from such.
That frustration trickles down to more of my life, the lack of liquid funds of any substance makes it hard to get done the things of my transition that cost money, and or do do them with much speed... My electrolysis appointments have gone quite nearly as long as I've been on hormones and the effect has been slow, I can't say I'm surprised, an hour a week really isn't that much. But I can't afford much if any more and still afford to keep bills paid and me and my mate fed. I save a little but I'm not terribly happy knowing what could be a brand new car, a motorcycle, a down payment on a house, any number of things; is going to be spent on fixing a genetic mistake.
Money aside, the process is frustrating as it is with out adding the upheaval 'outing' myself will add into the mix. The holidays found me in near tears as I tried to shop for a simple pair of shoes or boots for the season but what is an simple act most of us take for granted (I never have trouble buying big-ol-mens boots after all), or even enjoy, I couldn't. I wasn't made right so my feet don't fit anything a 'normal' store would carry in a 'normal' womans size. This is sort of trivial, but it's one of those emotional things that while unimportant to most if not all of life, still hurts like a son'ova'bitch.
It's little things such as that or having to force myself to speak up and say 'oh, she.' 'no no, her' when my lived ones in the know say 'he' and 'him' when we're in private (Not around my workplace or family)
Things like getting comfortable in my own skin in public, let alone in slightly more awkward situations like bathrooms, changing rooms, etc have been seemingly on hold while I flail restlessly with the buggery of trying to spit it out to my family and co-workers and boss so that I can move forward in a meaningful way and begin to try again and 'for realsies' get comfortable with myself out and about.
My voice has been another hangup and perhaps my biggest... Of everything it has caused me the most pain and depression when faced with changing it. Not because I love my voice, stars no, but because it is so very hard to change. It takes a huge amount of work and practice to really change a voice and I have had a lot of trouble getting myself started on that.
I did voice 'work' once and while in the end it was a gang of fun and something I would do again in a heartbeat, that was purely me reading lines as well as I could manage, not me trying to sound different and believable all the time. Not me trying to sound different than I always have around my friends and family and co-workers and somehow keep up with it and be 'normal' at the same time? If our voices cracked when we were teenagers we got upset, it doesn't feel better to be that awkward when you're an adult, none the less because of WHY I'm aiming to sound different.
Of all the things I've done or face doing to be who I should be, my voice freaks me out the most, it seems the hardest and most awkward, outing, embarrassing thing. I've actually had nightmares about it and I've seldom dreamed about anything related to my gender stuff, certainly not in such a painful way.
I suppose those are all the greatest things frustrating me of the last while... Things that seem very frustrating or upsetting or daunting right now and the realms of worry they spin off into touch a lot of other areas of life. Mostly though they are problems unto themselves and the rest of life moves fairly normally.
I wish very much that this whole change was over and done with... but like I said, wishing doesn't make it happen. Work does, and so sooner or later I've got to get to work on it, and like all work it will find it's end naturally. It doesn't seem to help knowing that right now though.
This is mostly just a rambling rant to get some feelings off my chest, or at least make a stab at working through them.