| Out of subjects |
[Oct. 3rd, 2006|05:45 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sad | ] |
I... Dunno where to start. It's been kinda a long day. Today, I woke up, on my day off, with my head full of plans. I thought I might make a trip out to get some stuff for my truck, and a few extra things, like a garden hose so I could wash and wax my truck once before the winter. I thought I might actualy buy a pair of jeans (even boy jeans if I had to) and maybe, stop into the store out that way for transexuals and all, and maybe get some small, false boobies... I'm not sure on that one even now, but I thought I might have done it. I'd just feel stupid doing it.
Anyway, I wake up, eat breakfast, and sometime during the morning, my mother notices my nails. Now almost as long as her own, and I had put some protective stuff on them last night "No more breaks' or whatever. So they were also glossy, but clear, not nail polish or anything. Anyway, she noticed. And, quite horrified said "Cut your nails!" I flat out said "no" and proceded to have a four hour 'conversation' with her, and for almost two of those hours, my brother. So, there went my morning, and any thought that maybe, my family would be totaly cool with it all.
It didn't, at least. End up with anyone crying or anything, and so far, I still have my nails.
I also got to say, sort of, a few things on my chest, even if not 100% saying 'guys, I feel like a woman', I did say "I don't feel right", including "I've never liked body hair, at all, it make me sick. Puke ahhh, like that"
I'm stupid for continuing to get caught...
For now, I'm keeping them until FF. After that, I'll trim them just to keep the peace.
I dunno what to do about the rest of my life though... The things my family says, the things my friends say, the things I read online from people who share either side of that, and the things I think and feel and say, and the things people in my shoes seem to think and say and feel, are all different and I'm... Unclear about what to do with myself. I can 'easily' flip a switch and give it all up... It's as easy in that sense to say 'it's not me, it's not right' as it is to say 'it is me, it is right'... and maybe both would be wrong, very wrong. So what's in the middle? WHat's in me? I don't know. I don't *have* to figure it all out...
It everything just a fad? Or is it really a part of me? I don't *need* to know now... I'd just *like* to know before I'm fully an adult, 25 or 35 or 45, and suddenly having to change it all around, especialy, the 'girlish' things, it gets harder the older you are, and I'm sure I've already got a really, really hard time with it.
The only things my family really said to me today that really made me stop, was that they were right about my being on the net and in my room too much, and that I've been like this for almost a decade... Now... they aren't quite right in their thought that the net is where I get my ideas... but they are, partly right in the idea that the ned is what I steep myself in far too much, and that it effects my mindset... Not totaly right, but there is a point there that I can see. I'd like, and will, in the coming months. Try to be away from the net even more than I have been... Weather it's girl stuff, or anything else. I intend to try and figure it out with out so much help, real or not, from the net. More so, I intend not to be on here for hours at a time. Even if that means I have to get a baking timer and set it every time I sit down here, I will.
Anywho... On the good side, I did go out later with my mum and went to Target and Lowes, where I bought a car cover for my truck, some Jones soda, and then a garden hose and some fittings at Lowes. So I washed my truck when I got back, and I'll cover it before winter... at least sort-of help slow the growing rust-problem down until spring.
Anywho... God bless, tail high, take care, be well,
Fire~ |
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